Oh thats funny.

this ones from youfunny.com
Watcha got there, boy!?
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana
watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by
carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy,
whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the
old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the
end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow.

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

If These Companies Made Toasters

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.
from you funny.com

Subject: FW: Irish Tail
>>
>> On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
>> station
>> in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously
>>
>> knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner
>> completely
>> unaware of who the golfing pro is.
>>
>> Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
>> "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so,two tees
>> fall
>> out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
>>
>> "What are dose? Asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
>>
>> "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
>>
>> "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin
>> Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"
>>

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:

CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNOR'S DAUGHTER
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[ That'll stop 'em. ]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]


Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

These are apparently actual excerpts from trials during 2005, wether 100% factual, they are rather funny none-the-less


ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY : When is your birthday?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And wh y did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS : We both do.
ATTORNEY : Voodoo?
WITNESS : We do.
ATTORNEY : You do?
WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________


ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________


ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________


ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Uh....
______________________________________


ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________


ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Dent on was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him
______________________________________


ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?
______________________________________


ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A Blondes Year in Review
>
>January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
>
>February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
>labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
>
>March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
>months.....box said "2-4 years!"
>
>April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
>
>May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water
>won't fit into those little packets!!!
>
>June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
>
>
>*July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the
>other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
>
>August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because
>soft-top was open.
>
>*September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
>
>October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
>
>November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
>pound and I weigh 108!!!
>
>December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button
>on the stupid phone!!!
>
>What a year!!

Vince--you brighten my day.

oh that one sounds like me... i mean my friend.

Climbtreez--I think you (I mean your friend) should embrace and take pride in your blondeness. Without blondes in the World--brunettes and red-heads would not know how smart they are!!!!!!!!!!