A dentist notices that his next patient, an incredibly sweet little old lady, is nervous, so he decides to tell her a little joke as he puts on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asks.
"No, I don't," she replies.
"Well," he jokes, " There's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry and peel them off and throw them into boxes of the right size."
The little old lady, looking decidedly unimpressed, doesn't crack a smile.
"Oh, never mind," he thinks.
Five minutes later, during a delicate stage of her treatment, she suddenly shreaks with laughter.
"What's so funny?" he asks.
"I was just wondering how condoms are made!" she replies.

lol....really good!!

Someone send me this earlier today! Now this is not a naughty joke per se, but what is in the joke is controversial and certainly is not my view - indeed I do not like few lines of it - but I think it is good fun! [i] This is a new twist to an old tale ………………………………… read on ………………………………… The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." [b]Moral of the story:[/b] Women are clever. Don't mess with them.[/i] [b]Attention [i]Female readers: [/b] [/i] This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. [b] [i]Male readers: [/b][/i]Please scroll down. [i] * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! [b]Moral of the story: [/b]Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. [b] PS:[/b] If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! [/i]

A Buddist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says.....

"I'll have ONE with Everything".................................


dah dum dum..............

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist.
He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled allover the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

This thread is really funny.. well obciously, since this is a joke thread. hehe... when I have a really funny joke, I'll make sure to post it here. LOL!

two babies were laying on a bed.
one baby asked the other
"What are you?"
the first baby said " I am a baby Girl! What are you?"
The second baby said "I am a baby boy"
first baby: " are not!"
Second baby : " are too"
first baby " You are NOT. Prove it"
So the second baby lifts up the blankets and says "see........


Blue booties!!!!!!!!!"

Awwwww Vince, I love that one!

Comical look at aging!


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
**********
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
**********
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
**********
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?
**********
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
**********
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had a final requests. She wanted to be buried at Bunnings. "Bunnings?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Bunnings?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
**********
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
**********
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
**********
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
**********
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging .
**********
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
**********
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
**********
Don't think of it as getting hot flushes. Think of it as
your inner child playing with matches.
**********
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
**********
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
**********

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Dear Dogs,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not automatically stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I'm also aware that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for many years - canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets


1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends (unless the cat that also lives here has a cat-nip addiction, but that won't kill him/her).
They don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for university - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.